Vietnam is generally a safe country outside of a few sketchy cities (Haiphong…).
However, there is one thing you need to look out for that is the closest to thing to violent crime against so-called innocent foreigners in Vietnam…
That’s right. I’ll write it again, but bold AND underlined for dramatic effect.
All those ladyboys strutting around at night in District 1 are thieving pieces of shit. This article serves as a friendly public service announcement (PSA) on how to not get robbed by them.
As with all great things in life, preventing this robbery comes at great cost, though.
You will have to get sexually assaulted in the process to prevent the thievery.
SEXUALLY ASSAULTED by a ladyboy… yeah, I know. Never change Southeast Asia. Never change.
How Ladyboys Rob You
The modus operandi on how ladyboys rob you is actually quite simple. Here’s the rundown of it:
Step 1: Ladyboy stands on the sidewalk outside of popular tourist nightspots in D1 (often after midnight) watching pedestrians walk the sidewalk.
Step 2: The ladyboy sees a foreigner approaching and locks onto the target. Remember, all foreigners are rich.
Step 3: The ladyboy approaches the foreigner with offers of sex. They often touch the foreigner’s belly or grab his arm.
Step 4: The foreigner ignores the ladyboy and keeps walking.
It’s all normal Southeast Asia prostitute stuff up until this point. The next two points are where your wallet or phone decides to grow legs and walk away into the dark abyss of the Southeast Asian city you are drunkenly stumbling about.
Step 5: The ladyboy grabs the foreigner’s crotch. Our foreigner will instinctively swat away ladyboy’s hand.
Step 6: Ladyboy slides his hand in the foreigner’s pocket during this pee-pee pinching distraction (PPPD) and steals his phone or wallet.
How To Prevent Ladyboy’s From Robbing You
The simplest way to prevent this theft is to keep calm.
Don’t attempt to move his hand from your crotch during the PPPD. Instead, karate chop the hand that is sliding into your pocket, quickly walk off, and yell cướp (thief).
The ladyboy will then slither off into the AIDS infested pit that he crawled out of.
Yes, you will have to endure this drug addict’s hand pinching your pee-pee during the PPPD, but that’s better than losing your phone or wallet.
How I Know This
Now, you might ask how do I know all this?
It happened to me… twice. And it’ll happen to you if you’re aren’t careful.
Once in Siem Reap in 2014 and once behind Nguyen Hue… right next to a police officer wielding an Uzi in his guard shack… in Saigon two nights ago.
Both times it was near a foreigner hotspot and both times it occurred well after midnight.
The first time I lost a whopping $10 freely floating in my pocket… not bad, but I still cried myself to sleep while masturbating with my tears over the lose of $10.
My karate chop skills simply were not up to par back then and the PPPD got me.
I vowed to never fall victim to another PPPD at the hand of a ladyboy and spent the past 7 years perfecting my craft.
Enter two nights ago.
I karate chopped that Vietnamese dude’s hand and ran off without losing anything. I knew what to expect and had spent the past 7 years perfecting my karate-chop-against-AIDS-infected-ladyboys craft.
The precession of my karate chop was top notch on that quiet Saigon night, I must say. That ladyboy had likely never seen something like that in his short, AIDS-infected life.
So, what’s the lesson in all this?
If a ladyboy (or girl on the street) grabs your junk, then don’t let that distract you. In fact, take a moment to enjoy someone touching your pee-pee.
BUT don’t get too distracted/happy by the PPPD lest you lose your wallet or phone, keep your eye on their other hand and karate chop it when it reaches into your pocket.
Also, yell cướp multiple times at the top of your lungs for added effect if you’re in Vietnam.
That is all.