Have you ever wanted to go on a Tinder date while drunk?
I did just that in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.
I only show up to dates with a little buzz at the minimum. It’s a requirement when you have to deal with the poor English, ugly girls (sometimes), and interview dates. I don’t drink alcohol anymore. (Check out my Tinder Guide article).
Here’s the story from my first time going on a Tinder date while drunk.
I saw this girl on Tinder and swiped right because she had OK pictures, nothing great. She was 20 years old, which really sealed the deal for me. I love me some young women.
So I swiped right and we match. Cool. I message her my standard line and we start talking.
She speaks good English and knows how to hold a conversation. I ask for her Zalo and promptly receive it (as always).
We start talking on Zalo for another day. The conversation just flows so naturally with this girl.
We agree to meet on Friday at 5PM, right after her work gets off. She agrees, but wants to meet near her cushy office job. Her work is near my apartment, so I reluctantly agree to her location.
Friday rolls around and I finished all my work around 3:30PM. Time to search her phone number in Facebook and see what she looks like. She only has side pictures of her face on Zalo and Tinder (Red Flag).
She has her Facebook set to public (every Asian does this) and has some pictures of her face from the front…
Her face looks horrific.
She has a worse hairline than me… and I’m pretty f*cking bald. She also has a really weird shaped head and eyes that are too close together. Her face looks like this:
How do I always end up in these situations?
I lost all sexual desire for this woman after seeing that ugly mug. What do I do?
Going on a Tinder Date while Drunk
I decide to get drunk before my Tinder date.
Hopefully some beer will make this creature look bangable.
This isn’t just one beer to calm my nerves either.
Three cans of Larue from B-Mart (total cost… $1.20) should do the trick. It’s 4:30 and I’m already slurring all my words, yes I’m a lightweight. Time to order the Grab and meet this chick.
My drunk ass stumbles into the cafe casually late (5:01) and I can’t find her anywhere. I shoot a quick, “Where are you?” text.
“I be there in 5′ :).”
Now I’m really pissed off. I walk outside the cafe and wait by the motorbikes and pretend to look busy on my phone. In actuality I’m wondering how the hell I ended up in this situation in the first place.
Finally, I spot her hideous ass crossing the street with her friend.
Her friend is hot and probably uses my date as an ugly foil, why couldn’t I go on a date with the “hot friend???” is a good summary of my dating life.
Anyway, the friend peels off and my date walks into the cafe. Apparently, she didn’t notice the drunk foreigner reflecting outside by all the parked motorbikes.
I straighten myself out and enter the cafe and stumble up behind her.
Damn, at least she has a nice little bubble butt.
I poke her in the UPPER back as I call her name.
She jumps a bit and turns around. Once she sees me behind her she bursts out laughing and slaps my arm.
Ok, I got this in the bag.
I order some bubble tea and she insists on paying for it. She follows me as I pick out a table.
“Can we sit at this table?” she asks as she motions towards the table right next to where I’m heading.
Damn, this chick is annoying. Bitch, you’re a woman
from a 3rd world country. You don’t call the shots.
“You always have to make things hard,” I say with a smirk on my face.
I guide her to a table on the complete opposite side of the cafe (not the one she suggested).
We sit across from each other, which isn’t my favorite setup for a date. I decide to keep tapping her feet for no other reason than to piss her off. She can’t stop giggling (this means she’s losing face, but IDGAF) as she smacks my arm away and taps my foot back.
We have the usual boring conversation about work, family, blah. Somewhat manageable because of my inebriated state. She mentions that she has to go back to work at 6:30PM to finish a project, so we have another hour. I nod my head…
She’s full of shit about this “project” and using it as an excuse to leave in case things get boring and I know it because I tell my dates the same thing.
After 30 minutes I start fantasizing about ramming my salami stick into her…
Guess the alcohol is working.
I see her eyes have that Bambi look to them. Time for the pull.
“Lets go,” I tell her.
“Ok, where we go?”
Wow that was easy.
It’s too far to walk to my apartment, so we have to walk to her motorbike and then ride to my apartment. Whatever.
“You ride motorbike?” she asks as we’re staring at her motorbike.
Thinking this a joke, I bust out laughing.
“Why you laugh? I not ride with two people.”
Crap, this chick wants me to ride her motorbike in rush hour traffic. I haven’t driven in Vietnam in almost four years and I’m wasted…
I agree. Don’t want to look like an idiot.
We hop on the motorbike and the creature wraps her arms around my chest and her perky tits (padded bra) squeeze into my back. I love when girls do that. It feels great.
Anyway, we go back to my apartment. Thankfully, I took empty side streets and it took like 5 minutes.
In the apartment
I park the motorbike downstairs and we quickly walk up to my apartment.
As soon as the door to my apartment closes the beast jumps onto me. We makeout for a minute or two and I put her feet back on the ground… She rips my belt off and yanks my pants down.
I’ve never seen such an aggressive
Asian chick in my life…
Guess she has to make up for being a solid 3/10. Probably could have just skipped the tea date and just invited her straight to my apartment.
My average sized meat stick swings out and nearly pokes her eye out.
“Wow so big,” she giggles as she stares at it in awe.
Damn, I love Asia.
She mashes her face into my crotch and starts polishing my salami pole. She can give a good BJ, guess she has to make up for that sixhead. Nice and sloppy with lots of spit and some light ball fondling. She gags a little as she fits my entire rod into her tiny mouth.
I look down and see her hairline.
Damn, it looks like a bald dude is sucking my cock.
I close my eyes.
Ok, this feels good…… but I still want sex.
I grab underneath her armpits and lift her up. I spin her around (don’t want to look at her face, lol) while lifting up her skirt and pulling down her pink panties. I bend her over my desk and look at the view. Damn, this girl has a nice little tan bubble butt. She kind of has a hairy asshole, which grosses me out. Can’t escape the ugliness with this ho…
Whatever. I’m going in,
“You want my dick, bitch.”
My meat pole approaches her tight balloon knot for entry… I’m literally shaking with excitement (never done this before)…
as soon it touches her balloon knot she yelps, “What you doing?”
“Oh, wrong hole.”
Fuck, no anal today.
My dick barely fits into her tight little Asian love tunnel. One of the tightest I’ve ever experienced.
She does that squeaky sound that all Asian girls seem to do when I pound too hard… woops.
I pull my meat pole out on the vinegar strokes and blast a massive load of baby batter on her hideous face. Spunk juice covers her ugly face, hair, and glasses. She wipes it off her face with her hand and…
starts licking it off her hand.
“I am late to work”
As she’s munching on my baby batter her face drops.
“What time is it?”
“7:00,” I say as I look at my phone.
“WHAT?!?!?! I LATE TO WORK!!!”
She wasn’t lying about work.
She grabs her purse, straightens out her skirt, and sprints out of my apartment as I stand there with my pants around my ankles. Some of my baby batter was still in her hair.
I delete her number from Zalo, take a long shower, and cry myself to sleep.
The moral of this story is don’t bang ugly chicks.