Beards have become a staple of the 21st century man. Just do a quick Google search of “beard style” or something like that.
Despite this fact I still think beards are stupid and only grow mine out when I’m lazy. Though I’m still of the opinion that only the gays and women should be overly concerned with their appearance.
And no, this isn’t some form of beard envy. I started shaving at 13. It takes me about a week to grow a respectable beard. It took me a whole two months to grow a big beard… at the age of 19 and again at 23.
Here are five reasons why having a beard sucks and you shouldn’t have one.
Note: Don’t worry what women “think” about your beard (or anything for that matter). They don’t have any agency and only act on instinct/feels. All that said, most Asian women don’t like how a beard looks/feels since they aren’t used to beards, but it won’t stop them from going back to your apartment. View my Tinder guide by clicking the picture:
1. They’re as Hot as Africa
Beards warm up your face.
Ever notice how the only people that can grow a beard are those with some European DNA? And those from hot climates cannot grow big beards (Arabs/Persians/Turks have some European DNA from before the Muslim invasion)?
Yeah, that’s because Europeans evolved to grow a beard to keep their face warm during the winter. I live in Ho Chi Minh City, which is extremely hot and humid. This makes a beard not at all useful for it’s evolutionary purpose.
Seriously, a beard does a great job at keeping your face warm. So it’s great in a cold environment…
but I don’t live in a cold environment.
-1 for having a beard.
Beards are itchy. They are especially itchy in the beginning phase, but the itchiness does go down once it grows out a bit.
However, the itchiness never truly goes away. Part of this probably has to do with the buildup of sweat and dry skin in your beard.
Having to constantly scratch your beard gets super annoying and sucks.
-1 for having a beard.
3. Food/Soup Gets Stuck in It
This is a huge drawback that bearded bros never mention. Food will always get stuck in your beard.
Have you tried eating BBQ ribs with a decent sized beard?
I have. It was a total mess. I had to go to the bathroom and scrub the BBQ sauce out of my beard, but I still had little bits of it stuck in my beard.
The same applies to eating soup, cereal, and anything that is somewhat runny.
Super annoying and gross.
-1 for having a beard.
4. Hides My Masculinity
It’s my personal belief that the beard has made a recent comeback because it’s an easy way to cover a weak jawline and reclaim lost masculinity (the average journalist/marketer looking like the men pictured below is certainly a factor as well). Jawlines are getting weaker each generation due to average testosterone levels dropping about 1% each year.
Now, most guys will not admit that’s why they have a beard since I doubt they consciously make this decision. However, look at most western men with a beard (not celebrities like George Clooney).
Do they look like they are hiding a Patrick Tillman jaw under their beard…? Are they a bastion of high testosterone and masculinity?
Yeah, didn’t think so.
I’m not saying I have a Patrick Tillman jawline or that most men do. That was just a joke.
On a serious note, I do have a better jawline and chin compared to most millennial men (not saying much, I know). Anything more than stubble actually makes my jaw look worse, which might be why I have never liked having a beard. Just an instinctual thing to show off my higher t-level.
This whole jawline/masculinity thing is why having a mustache is badass though. You need very masculine features to make a mustache work or else you look like a low-T creep like Ron Jeremy.
Nah. Any nu-male can grow a beard and look more masculine, which has kind of ruined the beard. I’m always like, “Dude, you aren’t Abraham Lincoln or George Clooney. Stop pretending that your beard makes you look like him.”
It’s the same as having a tattoo to look tough. Hard to do when any idiot can get a tat.
5. Make You Look Like a Terrorist
This point applies mostly to the darker skinned guys in the West and Anglosphere, but there are white looking Chechen and Dagestani guys causing problems in Russia. So it might apply to fare skinned guys in Russia as well. Haven’t been to Russia (yet) so I don’t know how the beard situation is there.
Anyway, a big beard + darker complexion will make you look like a terrorist and scare Westerners. Just how it is.
Fortunately, the Vietnamese have no real concept of Muslims, so they don’t really care one way or the other. It just looks funny to them since no Asian man can grow a real beard.
Looking like a terrorist isn’t fun though. It could be advantageous to grow a beard if you’re working in a Muslim run country like Saudi Arabia, Oman, England, or Turkey.